Well folks, it's dawned on me that I've almost died a few times, but yet am still alive enough to write this blog, so that can only mean one thing:
We've come this far without it, but now it's time for some hot and spicy CLICKBAIT! BUCKLE UP!
TOP 10 TIMES I ALMOST DIED BUT DIDN'T
10. THAT WEIRD PIZZA I HAD THE OTHER NIGHT
It's not that exciting, sure, but I sure was looking forward to that meat lover's pizza I'd been saving. I don't know what it was about it (expired? bad ingredients? I don't know how ovens work and probably undercooked it?) but, MAN, was I disappointed when I bit into it and it tasted like absolute trash, leaving me hungry and ready to make one of many poor food choices here (see #'s 5 & 3).
9. A WILLFUL MISUNDERSTANDING OF HOW ROUNDABOUTS WORK
Listen, man, I know deep down inside that you have the right of way and that I shouldn't have walked out into traffic. But at the same time? I was holding a bunch of groceries and really wanted to go home and eat some ice cream. I was having a rough day. I know you've been there before, and really, you should've just either let me pass unaccosted or committed to hitting a listless pedestrian.
8. I HITCHHIKED (NO, LIKE ACTUALLY)
This one was weird, because in New Zealand, there's this really small town of Waipu that's next to some radical glowworm caves. When we got off the bus, though, three very nice ladies told us idiot travelers that there wasn't any sort of public transport to the caves themselves and that we would either have to walk or hitch a ride. We got rides from 3 different people, and, oddly enough, none of them tried to stab us and/or take our lunch money along the way. Crazy, right?
7. LINCOLN ROCK
What can I say? It was a big rock and I got too close to the edge. Sorry, Mom.
6. CAVE WATER
Re: the Waipu caves, once we actually got there, we found ourselves in a cave system with thigh deep water and maze-like nooks and crannies. The fact that we didn't get lost or eaten by bats is something in and of itself, but the real victory was not getting any diseases or flesh-eating bacteria from whatever was in the water. Caves? A+. Cave water? F--.
5. TIM TAMS: IT'S WHAT'S FOR DINNER
Sometimes you just get a craving for Tim Tams, and, 15 minutes later, you've eaten 2 sleeves and don't have any more food. I never claimed to be a healthy eater, I just follow my heart. (pro-tip: dark chocolate Tim Tams are the superior Tim Tam)
4. CHARLENE CALLING OUT DEAN ON M.A.F.S.
Amazing. If you aren't keeping up with Married at First Sight, you should definitely rectify that. Not to give away too much, but let's just say that if Boy's Night gets a little too rowdy, Charlene's gonna pull the receipts in front of every one. I was so thrilled my heart almost stopped (or maybe that was just the Tim Tams). RIP Justin and Carly.
3. CAFFEINE OVERDOSE
I haven't been able to support my coffee habit as much as I'd like, but we just got some half-way decent instant grounds at work. When I got my grubby little mitts on this, I went on a caffeine rumspringa of productivity and heart palpitations. Sure, I felt like my blood vessels were going to burst, but I got a lot of work done and had a nice drink along the way, so, if you really think about it, it was all worth it.
2. PNEUMONIA, PROBABLY
There might be a bit of recency bias with this one, but it seems like I've been caught in torrential downpours more often these past few weeks (Taupo, Castlecrag, Ultimo, Castlecrag again, and, most recently, Central). I'm sure that if I stayed out any longer, I would be a breeding ground for pneumonia, or something of that ilk. Thankfully, I can still breathe (as of now, anyway).
1. GOING DOWN IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN
Planes, dude. They're crazy. I've been over the Pacific 3 times so far, and each time I feel is just getting me closer and closer to a watery grave. Let's see what happens on the flight back!
Anyway, thus concludes my clickbait extravaganza. Thanks for reading. This has all been great, and I can't wait to almost die a few more times while I'm here.
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